Drem yol lok, dii zeymahhe. Zu'u aal laan aak voth pel lot lovaas.

I've been working on this project on and off for weeks now, and I feel like getting feedback on my progress would incentivize me to work on it more often.

My goal is to create a song that tells the story of the defeat of Alduin during the Dragon War. I hope to use canon words to write the lyrics for this, as well as writing a melody that is somewhat reminiscent of the mood set by the song "Sovngarde" on the Skyrim soundtrack, to keep the feel of an ancient Nord song. I have a distinct melody in mind already, and I will do what I can to make a recording of it at some point in the not too distant future.

I'm tentatively calling this a ballad (despite deviating from the more traditional ballad structures and rhyme schemes), and I'll probably use "Feyn do Alduin" (or possibly the English "Song of Alduin's Bane") as a placeholder name for now, though the name may be changed later.

I'm hoping to stick with a rhyme scheme of AABBC DDEEC FFGGC HHIIC. In other words, every group of four stanzas will end in a line that rhymes with the last line of the other stanzas in the group. I may have to use somewhat approximate rhymes for some parts of this song, such as rhyming ag with mulaag, but this shouldn't be too noticeable during a performance of the song due to the length each note would be held.

I'm not sure how long this piece will end up being, but I will do my best to keep the rhymes from getting stale while staying within the confines of canon Dovahzul. (Thanks to Frinmulaar for providing a list of rhyming canon Dovahzul words!)

I only have the first four stanzas written so far, and I'd like to see how it is recieved by the thuum.org community. As usual, any advice and constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. I'm always looking to improve my craft, and the best way to do that is to keep writing and seeking peer review.

Here's what I have so far:

Huzrah nu wah aan tey do lot muz

Ko aan bok do kendov ahrk tuz

Hon drey grah fin vokun

Sav sil do enook mun

Ahrk nahlot bein nok Alduin

Lost kruziik tiid do faaz ahrk ahraan

Fah fin reyliik do Taazokaan

Sahrot thur do fin lein

Komeyt faas voth lot rein

Nuz pah brod do bron laana kos stin

Vokun sonaan drey aam vokul thur

Bronne mindoraan daar lost aan dur

Osos lost tahrodiis

Ful Thu’um niin drey bodiis

Ahrk aan morokei kein niin drey win

Alduin drey uth pah dovah mir

Ahrk fah slensekendov niin drey nir

Nuz pogaan hon drey grah

Zeim fin maar dovah bah

Sahrot lahvu drey krif voth ahkrin

Zinrahzul
Before taking a look at your verses, I do want to offer that you can utilize word suffixes to aid in rhyming: Miin .. kosii Junu .. Vonun .. are some examples

I hadn't considered using suffixes to create approximate rhymes! This will certainly be useful in my future endeavors.

Have you looked at the verses yet? I'd like some input on the direction I am taking this. Should I follow this up with a description of the three Nord heroes who banished Alduin from time? Or should I rework what I have so far to change the flow of the narrative? It kinda jumped straight into the Dragon War pretty quickly, so I could possibly make it a bit more drawn out if that would make the story go at a better pace. Any thoughts?

Zinrahzul
I like what you have so far! It reminds me of an expansion to Tale of the Tongues that focuses on the Nords. Overall the flow seems fine. How many stanzas will there be? Will you describe more details about the war? Here's a section by section review: "laana kos stin" doesn't seem like a good style of writing for the song, as the contraction "laana" makes the song more informal. "Mindoraan daar lost aan dur" - sounds informal to me again "understood that was a curse". I think that because it is a technically simple statement that maybe it doesn't fit into a ballad-like style. I would recommend referring to the curse indirectly in the verse. Sort of like: "Bronne drey denos ahrk aus ko dur". In that sentence, the curse is referred to as intended, but is also described in more detail. I wonder if bodiis is a good word for the third part, as it describes borrowing... "Slensekendov" I think should be "slen do Kendov" as using se implies something special about a warrior's flesh.

All good points! I will add these changes and see how much I like the meter of your revised line. Moving forward with writing it, I'll have to try writing in a more formal tone. Do you have any more tips on how to do that consistently?

Upon review, I'm not sure Zinrahzul's proposed revision of the "Bronne mindoraan" line kept the same connotations, so I've changed it from "mindoraan" to "drey mindok." I may change it in the future, since I'm not entirely sure which is better. Either way, I'm a bit concerned about the repetitiveness of "drey" throughout the song, but that might end up as an inevitability, considering the nature of past tense in canon Dovahzul.

The use of "bodiis" didn't quite fit either, so I've changed that line from "Ful Thu'um niin drey bodiis" to "Ful voth Thu'um niin drey kriist." This exacerbates the "drey" issue I mentioned, but it's the best I can do at the moment.

I also adjusted the syllable count of the last line of stanza one, mostly to make it fit the melody better.

Here's the updated version of the first four stanzas with the other edits Zinrahzul suggested:

Huzrah nu wah aan tey do lot muz

Ko aan bok do kendov ahrk tuz

Hun drey grah fin vokun

Sav sil do enook mun

Ahrk nahlot bein nok do Alduin

Lost kruziik tiid do faaz ahrk ahraan

Fah fin reyliik do Taazokaan

Sahrot thur do fin lein

Komeyt faas voth lot rein

Nuz pah brod do bron laan wah kos stin

Vokun sonaan drey aam vokul thur

Bronne drey mindok daar lost aan dur

Osos lost tahrodiis

Ful voth Thu’um niin drey kriist

Ahrk aan morokei kein niin drey win

Alduin drey uth pah dovah mir

Ahrk fah slen do kendov niin drey nir

Nuz pogaan hun drey grah

Zeim fin maar dovah bah

Sahrot lahvu drey krif voth ahkrin

This is wonderful, Hahdremro! This one's my favorite stanza:

Lost kruziik tiid do faaz ahrk ahraan

Fah fin reyliik do Taazokaan

Sahrot thur do fin lein

Komeyt faas voth lot rein

Nuz pah brod do bron laana kos stin

The only thing I caught was that there were a couple lines where you used hon instead of hun (hon drey grah fin vokun and nuz pogaan hon drey grah).

paarthurnax

This is wonderful, Hahdremro! This one's my favorite stanza:

 

The only thing I caught was that there were a couple lines where you used hon instead of hun (hon drey grah fin vokun and nuz pogaan hon drey grah).

Lost folaas, krosis! Making mistakes like this is how I tend to learn sometimes. I always get hon and hun confused, but this experience will help me differentiate between the two much easier. I'll edit the other post to fix that. Thanks for pointing it out!

Glad to hear you like it! I hope the rest of the song will come along as nicely as this did.

Well, it's been a while, and I finally got around to adding more to this song. Here it is in its entirety, although there's a good chance this will not be the finished version.

I feel like I still have some tweaking to do here and there, but for the most part, I feel fairly competent about it. I added an AABBB rhyming stanza after each grouping of four stanzas, because I needed a bit of extra space at the end of the song and adding a single stanza at the end didn't contribute much to the flow of the story as I was trying to tell it.

I'm a bit iffy about the mention of the Thu'um early on, before I get to the part about Paarthurnax teaching it to the three heroes, but I'm not sure how best to fix that at the moment. I hope to get back to that, as well as some of the other somewhat awkward phrases throughout, and make them fit a bit better. The biggest lesson I've learned from this is that plenty of words end with -iik, but only ten end with -ein. Should have counted that before committing to the rhyme scheme, but I think this turned out alright anyway.

---------------------------------------------------

Huzrah nu wah aan tey do lot muz

Ko aan bok do kendov ahrk tuz

Hon drey grah fin vokun

Spaan sil do enook mun

Ahrk nahlot bein nok do Alduin

Lost kruziik tiid do faaz ahrk ahraan

Fah fin reyliik do Taazokaan

Sahrot drog do fin lein

Komeyt faas voth lot rein

Nuz pah brod do bron laan wah kos stin

Zok vul sonaan drey aam vokul thur

Bronne mindoraan daar lost aan dur

Osos lost tahrodiis

Ful Thu’um nust drey bodiis

Ahrk aan morokei kein nust drey win

Alduin drey uth pah dovah mir

Ahrk fah slensekendov nust drey nir

Nuz pogaan hon drey grah

Zeim fin maar dovah bah

Sahrot lahvu drey krif voth ahkrin

Osos grah fah lot zin do hofkah

Uv fah moro ko zun-nos nust yah

Pah kendov drey yoriik

Kotin grah zok daniik

Wah ofan fin zok lot zahrahmiik

Lost aan krif voth ahkrin ahrk mulaag

Nuz naal yolsedovah nust lost ag

Ahrk ko vokun vonun

Meyz osos sahrot hun

Wo maltiid drey drun morokei krein

Hakon Gein-Miin drey kod aan hahkun

Rok drun dinok wah paal voth lot dun

Gormlaith Yuvon-Tuz zaan

Ahst ek zahkrii ahraan

Felldir faal Wuth lost zok onik gein

Nau aan strunmah Paarthurnax morah

Nau fin krein do ney mun ahrk dovah

Rok koraav aus do jul

Wo drey krif zok nonvul

Ahrk rok mindol wah sav munro lein

Mindoraan do fin Thu’um rok ofan

Wah fin bron wo lost zok bahlaan

Voth daar suleyk nust grah

Yol Toor Shul, Fus Ro Dah

Nuz vul viing do Alduin fundein

Nau Monahven fin kendov drey grah

Fod bron hun ofan mindol do zah

Voth fin kel nust drun viik

Wah fin dovah kruziik

Nuz kril Gormlaith drey dir ahst saviik

NikkoSossedov1
@Hahdremro can you put a translation of this. I tried the current translator and Dragon-to-English just gave me diferent Dovahzul text.

I actually don't have an English translation handy at the moment, but I'll see what I can do. I'll post it once I get a chance. You can try to copy one stanza at a time and paste them into the Translator, but that process is a bit arduous, especially since I know you're browsing on mobile. I'll try to get a translation for you soon.

EDIT: Here you go, the full translation. Translating it back into English actually helped me catch a few errors I'd made in Dovahzul, so I'm glad I went to the trouble of doing this!

Hearken now to a tale of great men
In an age of warriors and blades
Heroes did fight the shadows
Guard the souls of each man
And silence the foul lies of Alduin

It was an ancient time of pain and wounds
For the races of Tamriel
Mighty tyrants of the world
Issued fear with a great roar
But all the clans of Nords wanted to be free

The most dark Priests did serve evil lords
Nords understood this was a curse
Some were treacherous
So the Thu’um they did borrow
And a glorious war they did wage

Alduin did order all dragons loyal
And for flesh-of-warriors they did hunt
But many heroes did fight
Through the terrifying dragon rage
A mighty army did fight with courage

Some fought for great honor of hall
Or for glory in weapon-strike they sought
All warriors did march
Into battle most doomed
To give the most great sacrifice

It was a fight with courage and strength
But by fire-of-dragons they were burned
And in darkness hidden
Came some mighty heroes
Who soon did bring glorious war

Hakon One-Eye did weild an axe
He brought death to enemies with great grace
Gormlaith Gold-Blade shouted
As her sword wounded
Felldir the Old was the most wise one

On a mountain Paarthurnax contemplated
On the war of both man and dragon
He saw the suffering of mankind
Who did fight most nobly
And he thought to save man’s world

Understanding of the Thu’um he gave
To the Nords who were most worthy
With this power they fought
Yol Toor Shul (Fire Breath Shout), Fus Ro Dah (Unrelenting Force Shout)
But the dark wings of Alduin unfurled.

On the Throat of the World the warriors did battle
When Nord heroes gave thoughts of mortality
With the Elder Scroll they brought defeat
To the dragon ancient
But brave Gormlaith did die as a savior