So the first stanza is:

Zeim wah tiid do wuth, lahney suleyek ont prodah.

Fin tiid do vulom, kolos kel kiin.

Kolos fin kein do reyliik grah fah siiv.

Fin rah voth kel vonun, oblaan fin lot kein.

 

The second stanza is:

Fod kun lost viin, zeim fin kel.

Zeim golt nu ahst drem.

Zeim fin kel vul zii, vulom nu bo.

Hun nu bo, alok wah fin vokul.

 

The third stanza is:

Zeim fin yol do Oblivion, vulom nu siiv.

Kiir do fin dovahkiin bo.

Ofan ok laas oblaan wah fin kein.

Ok fahdon aan hun, ko zin do zahrahmiik.

 

Fourth and possible last stanza:

Dovah sil daal zeim fin bok.

Vulom bo wah keizaal, nol Alduin jot .

Fin sil do dovah ko joor kopraan daal.

Fin dinok do Alduin, ahrk dovahkiin sonaak.

Ko golt gut nol keizaal, fin zoor nu siiv naar.

 

With these lines I would like feedback on how to setup the tempo, rhyme scheme and more stanzas(if needed) to finalize this song, anything at all will be usefull! And thanks for the help!

MORAH

Please don't take anyof this as insulting, as i am merely giving feedback. I have also consulted with my zeymah and he says the same thing.

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The Wording is almost perfect, i think perhaps a change is needed in some parts.

In terms of rhyming, the first stanza is half good, as is the second. The third needs work, and the fourth needs a bit of work.

The length is perfect, any longer and i feel it would get tedious, any shorter, and you will be trying to fit everything in three stanzas.

Also you spelt Suleyk as Suleyek :)

It looks like this hasn't gotten enough views. I personally was waiting for others to respond before I gave my say. Let me take a look at what you have and see if I can help.

Let's start with the meaning (or perceived from my point of view):



Through to time of old, to live strong was once foretold.

The time of darkness, where the Elder Scroll was born.

Where the war of nations/races battle for to find

The god with the Elder Scroll hidden, to end the great war



When light was shining, through the Elder Scroll.

Through the place now at peace.

Through the Elder Scroll's dark spirit, night now comes.

Hero now goes, raised against the evil.





Through the fire of Oblivion, night now find.

Child of the Dragonborn comes.

Give his life to end to the war.

His friend a hero, in honor of sacrifice.



Dragon soul returns through the age.

Night comes to Skyrim, from Alduin?s maw.

The soul of dragon in mortal body returns.

The death of Alduin, and Dragonborn priest.

In the place far from Skyrim, the legend is now to find the peak.



Notes:



- Is the above translation the meaning you want to convey?

- Your first goal should be to get the meaning you want to convey down, THEN you get the rhym, tempo & cadence because that will affect the words you use. You will find that words will have to be adjusted to get the rhyming correct. Don't be afraid to use close rhyming "Zaan (ZAHHH)" -> "Kein (KAHH-YEEN)"



- Did you want laas (noun) instead of lahney (verb) - "a strong life once foretold." ?

- The last stanza has 5 lines instead of 4

- Because the verses are very wordy

- Alduin mentions the Elder Scrolls using "faal" instead of "fin"

- If you start a sentence with "to do anything" I recommend explicitly stating "wah dreh" (Give his life (an) end to the war. )



- Words per stanza - Because there are a lot of words, and the message of the song seems to be about the Elder Scroll of Dragon (a heroic tale), I would recommend trying out a 6/8 time signature at around 160 beats per minute (BPM)

ZEIM wah tiid DO wuth lahNEY suleyk ONT prodah

FIN tiid do VULom koLOS kel kii-IIIIN beat, beat



- You could also try 4/4 time signature:

ZEIM wah tiid do WUTH beat, beat, beat

LAHney SULeyk ONT pro DAH beat

FIN tiid DO vuLOM beat, beat, beat

KOlos KEL kii-IIIN beat, beat, beat



(This lengthens the stanzas, and could drag down the song)

- I recommend a slower tempo that emphasizes the words, since this is Dovahzul and everyone will have a hard time picking out words. If you want to go faster

Just to give my two cents worth, I definitely think revising the poem to fit into dactylic tetrameter (6/8 with emphasis on the downbeat), as Zin suggested, would make for a really cool final product.

Definitely would like to see the finished piece if you're still planning on reworking it! :)