This is a poem I wrote. Seeing how it's my first big translation project I thought I would post it to see if anyone could give me some critique and advice on my translation and grammar.
Fire-eye in the sky
Yolmiin ko lok
She warms earth
Rek faad Gol
Mother of eight worlds
Monah ko eln leinne
Light one
Gein ko kun
Our mother, the sun
Un monah fin Shul
Long will she shine
Lingrah fen rek viin
Her fire is the life of man, beast and dov.
Rek Yol los rii ko Jul, Sivaas ahrk Dov
Her light shows us the beauty of the World
Rek Gein ofan un ko fin lein
Her beauty is dawn and dusk
Rek brii ko vu ahrk suvulaan
We came from her and we are of her
Mu bo do rek mu los ko rek
We will return to her and we will be her
Mu fen daal wah rek ahrk mu fen kos rek
Until she gives her last breath
Erei rek pah ofan ek laat rei
Thanks for the help
Gol
Poem Help
1
 Gol August 2, 2018 |
This is a poem I wrote. Seeing how it's my first big translation project I thought I would post it to see if anyone could give me some critique and advice on my translation and grammar. Fire-eye in the sky Yolmiin ko lok She warms earth Rek faad Gol Mother of eight worlds Monah ko eln leinne Light one Gein ko kun Our mother, the sun Un monah fin Shul Long will she shine Lingrah fen rek viin Her fire is the life of man, beast and dov. Rek Yol los rii ko Jul, Sivaas ahrk Dov Her light shows us the beauty of the World Rek Gein ofan un ko fin lein Her beauty is dawn and dusk Rek brii ko vu ahrk suvulaan We came from her and we are of her Mu bo do rek mu los ko rek We will return to her and we will be her Mu fen daal wah rek ahrk mu fen kos rek Until she gives her last breath Erei rek pah ofan ek laat rei Thanks for the help Gol |
by Gol
August 2, 2018
 Hahdremro August 2, 2018 |
If you're using a hyphen in the English version, it's probably safe to assume you'd use one there in Dovahzul as well. So, I'd change Yolmiin to Yol-miin.
Eln is from the Legacy dictionary, which isn't really used hardly at all anymore. We tend to stick with canonical words from official source material. However, since there's nothing close to a translation for "eight," I'd give this a pass if it's for a personal project.
The literal translation for that Dovahzul phrase is, "Her one gives we in the world." I think something slipped past you while you were translating, fahdoni! I'd translate your English phrase into the following: Rek kun ofan mu fin brii do lein. There are multiple ways to translate that (for example, I dropped the "the" toward the end), so feel free to experiment with it. I'd be happy to check what you come up with if you want to try it out on your own!
I think you mistyped into the translator here. You must have typed "in" instead of "is" because ko is the word for "in." The word you're looking for there is los.
The literal English translation for your Dovahzul sentence is the following: "We came from her we are in her." Now, I don't know about you, but I think that sounds a bit more lewd than you meant. If you want a different word than do to indicate origin, try using nol. (Click HERE for a link to the Dictionary page for nol, complete with its connotations and usage.) Also, you missed the ahrk in your sentence, but I suppose it can still work if that's a stylistic choice.
Pah means "all," so I don't know if that's what you meant to say there. You can drop it altogether if you want, since it's not congruent with your original English phrase. Also, rei is another Legacy word, and those aren't really used anymore. However, there is a potential workaround this time! You could say su'um, but that means "inner-breath," which isn't really the same thing, so I'd try to find another solution. A couple possibilities would be su, meaning "air," and ven, meaning "wind." Either of those could be interpreted to mean "breath" while staying within the limits of the canon lexicon. The sections I didn't reply to were all correct. Well done!
All in all, that was pretty well written! It's a lovely poem. Did you write it yourself? Other than one or two words, it works very nicely in Dovahzul. |
by Hahdremro
August 2, 2018
Fire-eye in the sky
Yolmiin ko lok
If you're using a hyphen in the English version, it's probably safe to assume you'd use one there in Dovahzul as well. So, I'd change Yolmiin to Yol-miin.
Mother of eight worlds
Monah ko eln leinne
Eln is from the Legacy dictionary, which isn't really used hardly at all anymore. We tend to stick with canonical words from official source material. However, since there's nothing close to a translation for "eight," I'd give this a pass if it's for a personal project.
Her light shows us the beauty of the World
Rek Gein ofan un ko fin lein
The literal translation for that Dovahzul phrase is, "Her one gives we in the world." I think something slipped past you while you were translating, fahdoni! I'd translate your English phrase into the following: Rek kun ofan mu fin brii do lein. There are multiple ways to translate that (for example, I dropped the "the" toward the end), so feel free to experiment with it. I'd be happy to check what you come up with if you want to try it out on your own!
Her beauty is dawn and dusk
Rek brii ko vu ahrk suvulaan
I think you mistyped into the translator here. You must have typed "in" instead of "is" because ko is the word for "in." The word you're looking for there is los.
We came from her and we are of her
Mu bo do rek mu los ko rek
The literal English translation for your Dovahzul sentence is the following: "We came from her we are in her." Now, I don't know about you, but I think that sounds a bit more lewd than you meant. If you want a different word than do to indicate origin, try using nol. (Click HERE for a link to the Dictionary page for nol, complete with its connotations and usage.) Also, you missed the ahrk in your sentence, but I suppose it can still work if that's a stylistic choice.
Until she gives her last breath
Erei rek pah ofan ek laat rei
Pah means "all," so I don't know if that's what you meant to say there. You can drop it altogether if you want, since it's not congruent with your original English phrase. Also, rei is another Legacy word, and those aren't really used anymore. However, there is a potential workaround this time! You could say su'um, but that means "inner-breath," which isn't really the same thing, so I'd try to find another solution. A couple possibilities would be su, meaning "air," and ven, meaning "wind." Either of those could be interpreted to mean "breath" while staying within the limits of the canon lexicon.
The sections I didn't reply to were all correct. Well done!
All in all, that was pretty well written! It's a lovely poem. Did you write it yourself? Other than one or two words, it works very nicely in Dovahzul.
|
Gol August 2, 2018 |
@Hahdremro thanks for the corrections. Like I said first try, i'll keep this in mind. I did write it myself, and I'm quite good at it (even if I do say so myself). I sort of half wrote it in Dovahzul and half in english. With Pah, I think I changed the last line several times. |
by Gol
August 2, 2018
@Hahdremro thanks for the corrections. Like I said first try, i'll keep this in mind. I did write it myself, and I'm quite good at it (even if I do say so myself). I sort of half wrote it in Dovahzul and half in english.
With Pah, I think I changed the last line several times.
With Pah, I think I changed the last line several times.
This thread is more than 6 months old and is no longer open to new posts. If you have a topic you want to discuss, consider starting a new thread. Contact the administrator for assistance if you are the author of this thread.
